this is the beginning of Devi being Silent No More

Breaking my silence and giving voice to those healing from domestic violence and suicide loss.

This space is born from survival. Healing from domestic violence and suicide loss has been a messy, non-linear journey of crippling grief—from the years of silence, pain and for the suffering of my children. My grief is escorted by guilt, shame, anger, disgust, but also resilience and rebirth. Silent No More is not just about looking in the rearview mirror at the harm. It’s also about reclaiming one’s safety and voice, and honoring those who have been victimized, sometimes by the very person they had trusted most in this world—a person who should have been a lifeline, not the person igniting the call to the crisis line.

My name is Devi, I am a former journalist and lifelong writer. For twenty-seven years I was deeply entangled in a sticky web of terrorizing chaos in the form of an abusive marriage with a malignant narcissist and psychopath. Eighteen months ago, my husband executed his last violent act—a calculated suicide designed to inflict the most extraordinary trauma possible towards me in the one room in our home that was my own creative and safe space. I am beyond fortunate he did not take me with him.

I am a survivor thrice over of my husband’s abuse, suicide, and the years of silence that swallowed my soul. A few months after his death, and in realizing that I was no longer in physical danger, my spirit was exhumed from the boughs of my personal hell and my voice resuscitated. I started to share parts of my story in journaling on social media and began receiving DMs and comments from other survivors that my words were assisting them through their own nightmares, and for one, it was the very first time sharing that they were a victim of abuse. Transitioning thoughts of your horrifying existence from your mind to a keyboard, paper and pen or to a trusted friend is frightening, but immensely courageous. It’s also the first infantile steps out of isolation and towards a better life. Acknowledging and recognizing abuse can propel you forward and help retrieve your power. Perhaps a power you did not even know you had.

For years I suffered in silence because he made me believe that I was the problem and I was petrified by his rage. I grew up in what many of my friends thought was the ideal home. My parents loved each other and treated one another with much respect and loving kindness. There were no harsh words and/or screaming. When they disagreed they solved things peacefully and grudges did not exist. I knew my boundaries but always felt unconditionally loved and safe. I have a college degree, had a professional career and have been blessed with beautiful friendships throughout my life—yet I still became a victim of an abuse so insidious I didn't realize it was happening until every exit door was sealed with venom and it was too much of a gamble to not know which door could be lethal.

Sharing my story and unpleasant journey with you is creating a new purpose in my life and I thank my two beautiful children for their love and support as this is also their story. Too many of us have been gutted by domestic violence or suicide loss. My hope for this platform is that anyone touched by one, the other, or both may find solace, community, or a dash of peace and hope here. For now, I will not be promising a specific timeline for when I post as I am still in the deep valleys of healing and recovery. Grief and joy come in vast waves. Sometimes, I’m drowning with agony and sobbing on the floor of my closet. Other times, I feel like I’m floating while dancing to my favorite music with my dog in my arms, or watching the sun descend from my deck as it warms my skin and mends my heart.

I once was a ghost of myself, haunted by my intuition and hope. Fear had trapped me in a terrorizing, silent world. But I am Silent No More, and if any of this resonates with you, please know that you are not alone. Your heavy stories and your pain have a place no matter where you are on this unwanted path. It is possible to heal, and we will do it together.

With peace,

Devi